Hooking Up
a girl's all-out guide to SEX & SEXUALITY
By amber madison
Prometheus Books
Copyright © 2006
Amber Madison
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-59102-470-5
Contents
Foreword.......................................................................................9
Preface........................................................................................11
Acknowledgments................................................................................13
Introduction...................................................................................15
Chapter 1. Vaginas: What the Hell?.............................................................19
Chapter 2. Infections and the Gyno: Vaginal Pains in the Ass...................................31
Chapter 3. Pleasing Yourself: Masturbation, the Big "O," and Communication.....................43
Chapter 4. Guys: They're People, Too...........................................................53
Chapter 5. Virginity: To Lose It? Or Not to Lose It?...........................................63
Chapter 6. Hooking Up and Having Sex: Did I Shave My Legs for This?............................75
Chapter 7. Sexually Transmitted Diseases: Feel the Burn........................................87
Chapter 8. Contraception and Protection: Rubber Dicky, You're the One..........................109
Chapter 9. Pregnancy: The Big "(Uh)O"..........................................................127
Chapter 10. Sexual Assault: Rape, Rapists, and Recovery........................................143
Chapter 11. Sexual Stereotypes: "Lewd, Vulgar, and Obscene"....................................157
Chapter 12. Body Image: Flaws and All..........................................................165
Chapter 13. Relationships: I Love You Too, Pookie-Pie..........................................175
Chapter 14. Sexual Orientation: Gay? Straight? Questioning..............................187
Chapter 15. Smart Sex: Not by the Seat of Your Panties.........................................197
About the Author...............................................................................203
Index..........................................................................................205
Chapter One
Vaginas
What the Hell?
A vagina can be annoying, and there's just no two ways around it.
It bleeds, it smells, it's hairy; it's not particularly pretty, sexy, or
easy to understand. Why should
it get a starring role in
your sex life?
Your vagina
must have lied and cheated its way in between your legs
because it's clearly unqualified for the position.
But qualified or not, it's there, and you're stuck with it-like a
weird hand-me-down from a distant relative. "Thanks, Great-aunt
Gerta, I can really use one of these!" Yet, unlike an antique chamber pot,
you can't shove a vagina to the back of your closet and forget about it. If
you ever plan on being sexual, you have to become familiar and somewhat
comfortable with your vagina. Imagine hooking up if you aren't:
"Don't get your face too close; it smells weird"; "Oh, my God, there's
hair there?"; "Keep trying, baby-I
think that's the hole."
The bottom line is that understanding what's going on with your
vagina is the first step to being comfortable with sex and the key to
having enjoyable sexual experiences. This chapter is about becoming
familiar with all of your vagina's different parts and coming to terms
with how it looks, acts, and smells.
The Way Your Vagina Looks
When I came out of my mother's womb, the doctors said I was the
hairiest baby they had ever seen-well, maybe not in so many words, but
at least that's how I imagine it. I have always been slightly insecure and
completely neurotic about how visible my dark hairs are on my pasty
white skin. So when I started to grow pubic hair, I was really pissed.
More
hair? You've got to be kidding me.
When I got older and found myself in situations where someone else
was going to be in contact with my pubic hair, I felt that I had to take
some sort of action. But what kind of action was I supposed to take?
What do most girls do with their pubic hair? Do they trim it, shave it,
wax it, or just let it go au naturel? Do they take it all off just to be safe,
or do they keep it all on to avoid looking prepubescent? I had no idea.
So after years of deliberation and different "hair styles," I decided to
spend an afternoon doing pubic hair research. I went into Harvard
Square in Cambridge, Massachusetts, with four rough sketches of different
ways that a girl could keep her pubic hair.
Drawing 1 represents a woman who keeps her pubic area as bald as
an old man's head. Drawing 2 represents a woman who removes all her
pubic hair except for a little strip in the center ("the landing strip").
Drawing 3 represents a woman who removes all the hair outside of her
panty line. And drawing 4 represents a woman who doesn't groom her
pubic region at all. I showed these drawings to a hundred women
between the ages of sixteen and twenty-two and asked them to anonymously
write down which one looked the most like their own pubic hair.
These were the results:
As you can see, girls do a lot of different things with their pubic
hair. There is no wrong way to wear your pubes (and no right way
either). If you're feeling pressure to remove your pubic hair out of fear
that a guy will be grossed out if you don't, remember that pubic hair is
supposed to be there; even though it may seem unsightly, it is
just hair.
I mean, think about the hair on our heads. We obsess about how
beautiful and sexy it is. We "ooooh" and "ahhhh" over someone's "gorgeous
locks" and will even pet someone's "silky tresses." And yet the
second a hair is growing somewhere else on our body, it's "disgusting,"
and it has to go. But the hair around a vagina isn't that different from
the hair on a head (except it's maybe a little curlier). So if you're stressing
out about your pubes, keep in mind that hair in and of itself is not overly
apelike or gross; it's just that sometimes we get thrown off by the location.
The bottom line with your pubic hair is that it's your vagina, so
keep it as hairy (or as bald) as you like.
Changing The Look of Your Vagina
If you decide that you want to remove some (or all) of your pubic hair,
you have a few choices: hair-removal cream, shaving, or waxing. (Theoretically
you could pluck the hair out with tweezers, but that could take
a really long time and be pretty painful.) Shaving is definitely the easiest
option. The only downsides are that the hair is only gone for a day or
two, and some girls find that shaving gives them razor burn (a rashlike
skin irritation). To help prevent getting razor burn, you can try running
your bikini area under warm water for a few minutes before shaving and
using a high-quality razor and some shaving gel.
Another hair-removal option is using a depilatory cream. Like
shaving, hair-removal creams get rid of hair for only a couple of days and
can also cause skin irritations. Even though the irritation will last only a
day or two, the hair will be back by the time the rash is gone. If hair-removal
creams and shaving irritate your skin, then you probably want
to wax.
Waxing is more painful and expensive than shaving or using a
cream, but it does last longer (anywhere from two to six weeks). If you
want to try waxing, and you've never done it before, I would suggest
going to an experienced bikini waxer. The first time that I wanted to
wax, I made the mistake of trying to do it myself. It was a complete disaster.
I dripped wax all over the microwave, the toaster oven, and the
kitchen floor. My pubic hair looked like it was attacked by a mountain
lion, and all my friends called me "mullet crotch" for the next month.
Going to a professional bikini waxer usually guarantees a good
waxing job, although it can also feel a bit awkward: like the elephant in
the room that no one is talking about. Here you are, chatting it up with
a woman you've never met, while she pokes around your vagina and
assesses your pubic hair. Some girls get paranoid that their waxer is
going to be secretly grossed out or start gossiping about their pubes the
second they leave the room.
If you're worried about the impression that your vaginal area will
make on your waxer, you have to keep in mind how many pubic areas
waxers see in their careers. There's no way that yours is going to stand
out. It's not like your waxer is going to run into you at the mall and
think, "Oh, I remember her-she had some intense pubes." Bikini
waxers don't get grossed out or shocked; being around vaginas is their
job. So they've likely seen it all.
Words from the Wise (Tips from a Bikini Waxer)
"You get the best wax if your hair is between a quarter and a half of
an inch long when pulled out straight. You probably don't want to
get waxed during your period because it tends to hurt more. I've
done this thousands of times, so, although it may feel uncomfortable
to you, I'm totally used to it."
"All those Parts"
Unlike guys, we aren't required to have an intimate relationship with
our genitals. We don't have to hold our vaginas to ensure our piss hits
the toilet. And when we look down, our genitals aren't flopping around
for us to inspect. As a result, some women go a lifetime without ever
touching or looking at their vagina and know it only as an upside-down
triangle of hair. If you have never examined your vagina, I encourage you
to take the plunge and inspect "all those parts."
Note:
Technically, the entire area is called the "vulva." (The actual vagina
is only one hole.) However, since most people use the word vagina
to mean the
whole area, in this book I use the term vagina to refer to the entire area as
well.
1. Mons: The cushion over your pubic bone that protects your
internal organs.
Helpful hint: If you ever decide to wax your pubic
hair, removing the hair from your mons will probably be the most
painful. (This is one reason that many girls leave the area
untouched).
2. Outer lips/labia majora: The outer folds of skin (the hairy ones)
that protect the rest of your vagina.
3. Inner lips/labia minora: The soft, fleshy, sideways-mouth-looking
thing on the inside of your outer lips.
Helpful hint: Your inner lips
may be larger or smaller than your outer lips. Also, your inner or
outer lips may be larger on one side than they are on the other.
Everyone's vaginal lips look different, so if you have seen someone
else's vagina and it looks completely different from yours, there's
no need to be alarmed.
4. Clitoris: The hard spot at the top of your vagina where your inner
lips come together.
Helpful hint: The clitoris is
very important for
sexual pleasure, so make sure you figure out where yours is (most
likely you'll have to direct guys there in the future).
5. Urinary opening/urethra: The hole where your pee comes out.
Helpful hint: If bacteria get pushed into this hole, they can cause a
urinary tract infection (which is often very painful). Make sure to
keep this area very clean.
6. Vaginal opening: The opening to the deep hole that extends back to
your uterus. (This hole is your
literal vagina-the one a penis goes
into when you have sex, and the one that blood comes out of when
you're on your period.)
Helpful hint: Because of all the flaps of skin,
the opening to your vagina may not be completely obvious. Don't
be alarmed if you stick your finger inside of your vagina and it feels
a little chunky as opposed to completely smooth. It's natural for a
vagina to have slightly protruding bumps.
7. Hymen (a.k.a. "cherry"): The layer of tissue that partially blocks
your vaginal opening.
Helpful hint: Even if you are a virgin, you
may have already "popped" your hymen (a hymen doesn't actually
"pop," but tears). Many girls' hymens are torn by being fingered,
masturbating, using a tampon, or even falling onto the bar of a
guy's bike. Some hymens bleed a lot, and others bleed only a little,
so you may pop it and not even know. Some girls' hymens are so
small that they don't actually "pop" at all. Either way, not having
your hymen intact doesn't necessarily have anything to do with
your virginity.
8. Anus: The hole where your poop comes out.
Vaginal Exploration Made Easy
*
Step 1: Wash your hands. A pretty good rule of thumb: if
you're going to be poking around your vagina, make sure your
hands are clean. You can also use this opportunity to give yourself
a pep talk in the mirror. Like getting the lyrics wrong when
you're singing along with the radio, looking at your vagina is
one of the few things that can feel embarrassing even if no one
else is around. So assure yourself that there is nothing deranged
or disgusting about exploring your own body.
*
Step 2: Find a private room and a mirror. Since your vagina
is underneath you, in order to look at it, you have to straddle a
mirror (a task that doesn't ease the awkwardness of the activity
at all). To make yourself the most comfortable, make sure that
there's no chance of someone walking in on you-that
could be
very embarrassing. "Hey, Pops! I'm just exploring my vagina!
Of course I washed my hands!"
*
Step 3: It's not an alien. The first time you see what your
vagina looks like can be a little shocking. The folds, the hair-it
can look like it just stepped off a flying saucer. But don't freak
out. All vaginas look a little funky if you haven't really seen one
before. Yours is not deformed or especially strange; it's just a
vagina.
*
Step 4: Figure out what's what and what's normal. Look at
the diagram of the vagina, and find each part on yourself. You
might also want to make a mental note of what your vagina
looks like normally. That way, you're more likely to recognize
any bumps or irritations that could show up as a result of a
vaginal infection or a sexually transmitted disease. (For more
about what goes wrong with vaginas, see "Infections and the
Gyno," p. 31, and "Sexually Transmitted Diseases," p. 87.)
The Way Your Vagina Acts
At a birthday party in seventh grade, one of my friends dared to admit
that she often found a small, creamy spot in her underwear. She asked us
all: "Do you guys ever notice white stuff in your underwear at the end of
the day?"
We all responded immediately: "Yeah! Like when you wear dark-colored-"
"I had no idea that anyone else got that!"
"What do you guys think it
is?"
Well, we all had noticed it, and I'm sure my friend's confession was
a complete relief for everyone. I know it was for me. I thought that I
wasn't wiping myself well enough when I peed or that something was
leaking out of me. When I heard that other girls got white stuff in their
underwear, I no longer felt like a twelve-year-old freak that needed to
wear diapers.
Having "white stuff" in your underpants is completely normal.
"White stuff" (discharge) is just your vagina's way of cleaning itself.
And like everything else that has to do with vaginas, it varies from
person to person. Your discharge may be whitish, clear, yellowish,
stringy, or flaky. You may have a lot or a little. Most likely, the amount
and consistency of your discharge will vary throughout the month.
When you're hooking up with someone your discharge serves as a
natural lubricant, so that a finger or a penis can slide into your vagina
more easily. You may be startled by how much lubrication your vagina
produces when you're turned on. I remember noticing it the first few
times I seriously made out with a guy-the bottom of my underwear was
completely soaked. I was scared that if a guy felt it, he would think I
peed in my pants.
As unnerving as "getting wet" can be, it happens to every girl when
she gets sexually excited. Even if you get
really wet and leave a little mark
on a bed or a couch, it's completely normal. And you don't have to worry
about what guys will think because the majority of them know what's
happening and feel proud when a girl is wet (since it means he's turning
her on). As for the guys who don't know, they'll have to figure it out
pretty quickly or else risk being called the "idiot" who knows nothing
about girls or sex. Vaginas are supposed to lubricate, so a little (or a lot)
of white stuff in your panties is nothing to be self-conscious about.
The Smell
To me, the scariest thing about having a vagina is knowing that it has a
smell. I used to freak out about the smell, and I was terrified the first few
times a guy had intimate contact with my bare pubic area. What if he
went around school and told everyone I had a smelly vagina? The
thought was horrifying.
It's natural to assume that any smell coming from your body is a bad
one because most are (the smell of your armpits, your feet, your farts, and
your burps). But the smell of your vagina isn't
bad (unless you have an
infection)-it's just
a smell.
Still, many girls believe their vagina is a dirty or disgusting place
just because it has
a smell. To mask the smell, some girls buy perfumed
sprays or douches (scented water that you squirt up your vagina to "clean
it out"). But any type of perfumed product that you put in your vagina
can irritate the sensitive tissue and alter the pH. Altering the pH of your
vagina promotes infections, and having an infection may actually cause
your vagina to smell
bad. So if you're concerned about vaginal odor,
using scented products or douches is actually counterproductive. If you
really want to have a perfumed pubic area, then you can try washing your
pubic hair with shampoo (just don't stick the shampoo into your vagina).
(For more thoughts on smell, see "When Someone Goes Down on You,"
p. 82.)
Accepting Your Vagina
Being comfortable with your vagina does not mean that you have to
love
the way it smells, or decide that it's so good looking it should grace the
center of a nudie magazine. It means saying, "Sure, vaginas look a little
funny, and, yeah, they have a smell, but that's OK, and that's normal."
And if you didn't have a vagina, you would have a penis-which would
be equally as funky. (Hey, at least we don't have to worry about hard-ons
and ejaculation.)
The more familiar you are with your vagina, the less scary it seems.
And there's no reason for you to be freaked out, grossed out, or embarrassed
by part of your own body. Whatever may bother you about your
vagina, remember that it's what makes your sex life possible. So if you're
interested in sex, you have to be interested in your vagina.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Hooking Up
by amber madison
Copyright © 2006 by Amber Madison.
Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.