Excerpts

From Chapter 4, Understanding Bullying Myths That Confound and Confuse Many adults grew up with myths about behavior that did not help prepare them for today's bullying realities. Some of these myths include the following: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." This is a lie. Words can cause great harm. This saying should be rewritten: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can break my heart." Many of today's adults grew up hearing "boys will be boys" or "kids will be kids." Parents who believe this myth tend to not hold kids accountable, letting them instead get away with unacceptable behaviors. Some people believe that "bullying is a harmless rite of passage," that "bullying is a normal part of life," or that "you've just got to accept it." This belief disempowers targets and prolongs their pain and suffering. Although teasing and hurtful speech do happen naturally as children grow and learn, bullying is not a natural part of growing up. It is an unacceptable social behavior that must be taken seriously and stopped. Many see violence not as a problem, but as a solution to a problem. People confuse strength with domination; words or actions are used to overpower and victimize others into submission. This belief is at the root of many conflicts, including war. "Kids are more mature these days." Many middle school teachers feel they are losing the battle against foul language and sexual horseplay because children are exposed to movies, TV, and video games beyond their level of innocence. But this does not mean children are comfortable with what they have seen, or what they know, or what they feel is "the right way to be." Kids pressuring each other into sexual behaviors or using expletives with each other is not maturity; it is disrespectful and should be confronted The Powerful Role of Parents Parents have more power than anyone else to prevent bullying and other risky behaviors in their young children. Parents have the power to protect, nurture, engage, teach, and put their children's feet on the right path--and redirect them when they stray. Parents may not know it, but they have the ability--and more importantly, the authority--to create a positive climate based on respect, belonging, connection, and the Golden Rule, to teach morality, what's acceptable and not acceptable, what's right and what's wrong. Parents have tremendous power to build inner strength and self- esteem that protect children against hurtful comments and behavior. Parents have more power than they realize to prevent or encourage bullying behaviors. How "Regular" Parents Unknowingly Raise Bullies Considered by many to be "the father of anti-bullying programs," Dr. Dan Olweus has studied the causes of societal problems and their solutions for more than thirty-five years. He discovered and confirmed that certain widespread childrearing practices are linked to the development of what he calls "hostile reaction patterns" and other antisocial behaviors in children. These very common patterns can be found at all levels of income, and in all races. They include the following: Negativity on the part of the primary caretaker. When a care- giver exhibits a negative emotional attitude instead of the warmth and involvement that healthy child development requires, children become emotionally insecure. This increases the risk that the child will become aggressive and hostile toward others. Permissiveness of aggressive behavior by the child. If the pri- mary caregiver is generally permissive and "tolerant" without setting clear limits on aggressive speech and behavior, the child's aggression level is likely to increase. This means that parents who don't curb aggressive speech and behaviors are tacitly teaching that hostility and aggression are okay. Use of "power-assertive methods. " When parents don't know what else to do, they commonly try to resolve conflict with power, aggression, and violent emotional outbursts. Spanking and physical punishment are typical of the autocratic leadership style, but children raised with these methods are more likely to become aggressive. For more information about restructuring family power, see chapter 15. Those parents who were raised in a healthy way are indeed called upon in society to assist those who were not. They can do this by spreading the word about Olweus's three characteristics of families that nurture bullying, and share ideas about changing patterns by 1. Having a positive attitude toward their own and other children 2. Setting limits on aggressive speech and behavior 3. Finding better tools than physical punishment and emotional outbursts to change a child's behavior. Excerpted from The Bullying Antidote: Superpower Your Kids for Life by Louise Hart, Kristen Caven All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.