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Summary
Summary
"A fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity -- but not necessarily the wisest one." -- LA Review of Books
From iconic couples' therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it.
An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo--universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat--even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.
For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage--with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.
Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships--what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.
Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, "Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart."
Reviews (3)
Publisher's Weekly Review
Longtime couples therapist Perel follows 2006's Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence with another provocative study of relationships. This time around she puts forth the controversial view that infidelity is ultimately beneficial to relationships, and she successfully explores the ways that affairs force partners to closely examine their attitudes about love, commitment, and sex. Make no mistake: Perel does not advocate infidelity. She dismisses the oft-used excuse that adultery is due to sex addiction and argues that emotional cheating is still cheating ("When it's no longer an exchange of kisses but an exchange of dick pics... when the secretive lunch has been replaced with a secret Facebook account, how are we to know what constitutes an affair?"). She sensibly makes the case that if the damage has already been done, it's imperative that the experience provide a way forward-whether that is to stay married or to split up. She bolsters her arguments with real-life examples from both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. The book is sure to spark intelligent conversations that will have readers everywhere examining their belief systems. This is a thought-provoking take on relationships and essential reading for couples dealing with infidelity. (Oct.) © Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.
Booklist Review
Does infidelity include online pornography, sex chats, strip clubs, one-night stands? Opportunities to cheat are all around us. Therapist Perel uses years of private sessions and numerous Internet exchanges to turn a compassionate eye on the meanings and makings of affairs. She begins with background on marriage, noting that it has evolved from the cornerstone or foundations of couples' lives to the capstone or culmination of their life experiences. At a time when everyone feels entitled to security as well as adventure in marriage, infidelity is on the rise, despite the electronic trails that make it fairly easy to spot. Perel uses her experiences to explain common reactions to infidelity, ways to use jealousy to revive relationships, possible reasons for these actions, and how to move beyond the betrayal. The examples she provides include American and international couples, gay and straight relationships. Perel's goal here is not to condone cheating on partners but rather to help readers feel compassion both for the victim and the perpetrator, and offer strategies for addressing this complex issue.--Smith, Candace Copyright 2017 Booklist
Library Journal Review
Much of the literature on infidelity instructs readers how to repair the destruction of an affair or "affair proof" their marriage. Frank Pittman's seminal Private Lies diverged from "how-to" guide into deep study, and so does this book. Here, Perel (Mating in Captivity) looks at motives and meanings. Why do spouses cheat on one another? What values or interpersonal dynamics impact how an affair is revealed, and how does keeping or revealing secrets liberate or imprison? How does grief manifest among the betrayed, betrayer, and the lover? Most controversially, while never condoning infidelity, Perel argues that affairs can transform, and that people can aim for understanding without passing immediate judgment. Perel claims that discussing infidelity and outside sexual desires heightens intimacy and strengthens the couple's bond, making infidelity actually less likely. If we acknowledge the attraction of the forbidden and not see love as a constant, concludes Perel, we can successfully invigorate our relationships with honest communication and alluring components (passion, eroticism, unbroken attention). VERDICT Recommended for couples, therapists, religious leaders, and anyone else interested in a deep look at the meanings, devastations, and potential growth avenues from infidelity.-Jennifer M. Schlau, Elgin Community Coll., IL © Copyright 2017. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.
Table of Contents
| Acknowledgments | p. ix |
| Introduction | p. xiii |
| Part I Setting the Stage | |
| Chapter 1 A New Conversation About Marriage and Infidelity | p. 3 |
| Chapter 2 Defining Infidelity: Is Chatting Cheating? | p. 18 |
| Chapter 3 Affairs Are Not What They Used to Be | p. 36 |
| Part II The Fallout | |
| Chapter 4 Why Betrayal Hurts So Much: Death by a Thousand Cuts | p. 55 |
| Chapter 5 Little Shop of Horrors: Do Some Affairs Hurt More than Others? | p. 76 |
| Chapter 6 Jealousy: The Spark of Eros | p. 92 |
| Chapter 7 Self-Blame or Vengeance: The Dagger Cuts Both Ways | p. 109 |
| Chapter 8 To Tell or Not to Tell? The Politics of Secrecy and Revelation | p. 127 |
| Part III Meanings and Motives | |
| Chapter 9 Even Happy People Cheat: Mining the Meanings of Affairs | p. 151 |
| Chapter 10 An Antidote to Deadness: The Lure of the Forbidden | p. 172 |
| Chapter 11 Is Sex Ever Just Sex?: The Emotional Economics of Adultery | p. 190 |
| Chapter 12 The Mother of All Betrayals?: Affairs Among Other Marital Misdemeanors | p. 214 |
| Chapter 13 The Lover's Dilemma: Conversations with the Other Woman | p. 233 |
| Part IV Ever After | |
| Chapter 14 Monogamy and Its Discontents: Rethinking Marriage | p. 255 |
| Chapter 15 After the Storm: the Legacy of an Affair | p. 280 |
| Notes | p. 303 |
| Index | p. 311 |