Prologue: Open Letter to My Son		1	(1)
Now		1	(6)
Then		7	(6)
I ESCAPE FROM THE TROPIC OF SQUALOR
Lost in the Golden State		13	(14)
The Mother of Invention		27	(7)
Lackluster College Coed		34	(13)
There's No Biz Like Po-Biz		47	(14)
Never Mind		61	(10)
II FLASHDANCE
Inheritance Tax Summer		71	(16)
The Constant Lovers		87	(12)
Temporary Help		99	(4)
There Went the Bride		103	(8)
Bound		111	(7)
In Search of Incompetence		118	(6)
Bent Bender		124	(7)
Homesick		131	(3)
The Inconceivable Meets the Conceivable		134	(9)
Journey of the Magi		143	(5)
Postal Partum		148	(9)
No Mom Is an Island		157	(6)
III SELF HELP
Ivy Beleaguered		163	(8)
The Mokus Squirreliness of the Unmet Mind		171	(5)
My Concept of Commitment		176	(13)
The Grinning Skull		189	(8)
Mass Eye		197	(6)
Lather, Rinse, Repeat		203	(8)
Affliction		211	(4)
Reprieve		215	(6)
The Reluctantly Baptized		221	(8)
The Untuned Instrument		229	(7)
Halfway Home		236	(11)
Ceremony (Nonbelievers, Read at Your Own Risk: Prayer and God Ahead)		247	(9)
Hour of Lead		256	(11)
IV BEING WHO YOU ARE IS NOT A DISORDER
A Short History of My Stupidity		267	(11)
The Nervous Hospital		278	(9)
Waking in the Blue		287	(12)
The Sweet Hereafter		299	(6)
I Accept a Position		305	(5)
Lake-Effect Humor		310	(8)
The Death of Date-o-Rama or the Romance of the Prose		318	(6)
Lord of the Flies		324	(6)
God Shopping		330	(9)
Dysfunctional Family Sweepstakes		339	(10)
It Makes a Body Wonder		349	(6)
On the Road		355	(8)
The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius		363	(7)
The Bog Queen		370	(7)
My Sinfulness in All Its Ugliness		377	(10)
Acknowledgments		387	(1)
Permissions		388	(1)
About the Author		389