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Summary
Summary
"Mesmerizing... A portrait of something familiar gone wildly, tragically awry." --The New York Times
"Sometimes, a child is born to a parent who can't be a parent, and, like a seedling in the shade, has to grow toward a distant sun. Ariel Leve's spare and powerful memoir will remind us that family isn't everything--kindness and nurturing are." --Gloria Steinem
Ariel Leve grew up in Manhattan with an eccentric mother she describes as "a poet, an artist, a self-appointed troublemaker and attention seeker." Leve learned to become her own parent, taking care of herself and her mother's needs. There would be uncontrolled, impulsive rages followed with denial, disavowed responsibility, and then extreme outpourings of affection. How does a child learn to feel safe in this topsyturvy world of conditional love?
Leve captures the chaos and lasting impact of a child's life under siege and explores how the coping mechanisms she developed to survive later incapacitated her as an adult. There were material comforts, but no emotional safety, except for summer visits to her father's home in South East Asia-an escape that was terminated after he attempted to gain custody. Following the death of a loving caretaker, a succession of replacements raised Leve--relationships which resulted in intense attachment and loss. It was not until decades later, when Leve moved to other side of the world, that she could begin to emancipate herself from the past. In a relationship with a man who has children, caring for them yields a clarity of what was missing.
In telling her haunting story, Leve seeks to understand the effects of chronic psychological maltreatment on a child's developing brain, and to discover how to build a life for herself that she never dreamed possible: An unabbreviated life.
Reviews (1)
Kirkus Review
A daughter's raw memoir exposes her "spiteful, vindictive, uncontrollable mother."Journalist Leve (It Could Be Worse, You Could Be Me, 2010, etc.), a former columnist for the London Sunday Times Magazine and contributor to other journals, grew up in a Manhattan penthouse with her mother, a poet whose narcissism, unpredictable mood swings, and physical abuse the author recounts in repetitive detail. At times "slapped, punched, kicked, pinched, and attacked," subjected to hysterical tirades alternating with suffocating demonstrations of love, Leve felt abandoned, betrayed, and continually threatened, as if she were stranded "in the pit of a crevasse, with a rope to safety just inches away and out of reach." Some measure of safety came during visits to her adored father, who lived in Thailand and whom Leve portrays as flawless; from her father's former girlfriend, whose nurturing attention brought a bit of stability to Leve's life in New York; and from a succession of caretakers, many of whom fled from her mother's employ. One woman quit or was fired multiple times over the course of 12 years. By her mid-40s, Leve still felt indelibly wounded and oppressed by the past. "You understand these things and you're in control of your life," her father remarks. "Why can't you beat those demons and destroy them?" Overcoming the demons, however, proved complicated: Leve learned that childhood stress and abuse caused "pathological changes to brain chemistry," making her "hypervigilant" and "highly reactive to perceived threats." Desperate for help, she decided to undergo eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy, designed to treat PTSD. Two years later, she was living with her Italian lover and his daughters in Bali, finally feeling central to a family. Though still beset by memories, she was also buoyed by "endorphins of hope" that she finally would be able to "outrace the past." A candid rendering of pain and survival. Copyright Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.
