How to Read This Book xv
ONE
Announcements
3(3)
Hotline
6(3)
Megaphone
9(5)
Ideas & Opinions
14(3)
Robot Test
17(3)
Genie
20(6)
New Year's Party
26(1)
How I Felt
27(3)
Socrates's Publicist
30(7)
Statistics
37(2)
Bee Sting
39(3)
Who I Am
42(4)
Bugle Virtuoso
46(3)
Some Drawings
49(20)
TWO
Dad
69(5)
Titles
74(4)
My Band
78(4)
Palindromes for Specific Occasions
82(5)
Cat Calendar
87(6)
Optimist, Pessimist, Contortionist
93(2)
We're Pregnant
95(4)
Protagonists' Hospital
99(5)
Rain
104(3)
Honors & Awards (for Which I Would Qualify)
107(2)
Better Than Sex
109(3)
Short Stories
112(3)
Frustrating Uses of Etc.
115(2)
Charts & Graphs
117(20)
THREE
My Diet
137(3)
Fortune Cookies
140(2)
A Christmas Carol (the Deleted Scene)
142(3)
Wed
145(4)
Fruit Vendor (Diary Excerpts)
149(5)
Pets (a Conversation)
154(3)
A Cappella Group Freak Accidents
157(3)
My Checks
160(4)
A Crossword Puzzle
164(4)
Sheila
168(16)
Products
184(3)
A Picture (1,000 Words)
187(3)
Epigrams, Fragments & Light Verse
190(6)
One Phone Call
196(3)
More Drawings
199(20)
FOUR
My Powers
219(3)
Human Cannonball Occupational Hazards
222(2)
Eulogy
224(4)
Flags
228(5)
Painted Faces
233(1)
Some Meanings
233(3)
Goreburg and Spatz
236(9)
Confessions of a White Guy with Dreadlocks
245(2)
Spanish Teacher
247(3)
Zing!
250(3)
Results of Your Personality Test
253(3)
More Statistics
256(2)
Excerpts from My Often-True Autobiography
258(5)
The Word Awards
263(3)
Goodbyes
266