Foreword		xi
Letter to My Children		1	(2)
Who's Who in the Cast		3	(2)
Rue the Day		5	(8)
"Drinking the Kool-Aid"		13	(2)
Family-Friendly		15	(2)
Have Children: The Condition		17	(3)
The Lone Ranger		20	(4)
Anti-Family		24	(2)
I Confess		26	(2)
Happy Days Are Here Again		28	(4)
The Pharaoh and the Slave		32	(4)
Vice President		36	(2)
My Dad, the Professional Wrestler		38	(7)
The Narcissist's Guide to Babies and Toddlers		45	(3)
When Women Get Lazy		48	(4)
Oh My God, You're Pregnant?		52	(3)
Witchcraft		55	(5)
Newbornland		60	(7)
Dogfight		67	(3)
Circumcision		70	(4)
The Invasion		74	(4)
Eat the Coleslaw!		78	(5)
Toddlerhood		83	(9)
The Evil Within		92	(3)
Secrets and Lies		95	(4)
A Critical Analysis of Children's Literature		99	(5)
No Further Questions		104	(4)
Bring in da Noise		108	(4)
The Chud People		112	(4)
Monsters		116	(2)
Nothing in Common		118	(4)
Hotel New York City		122	(6)
Vamanos		128	(9)
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating Again?		137	(3)
I'll Be Your Tour Guide		140	(9)
Pale Force		149	(4)
Learnin' Them		153	(5)
A Self-Portrait		158	(5)
Your Special Day		163	(5)
Losing My Religion		168	(5)
No Such Thing as a Free Babysitter		173	(7)
How to Put Five Kids to Bed in a Two-Bedroom Apartment		180	(5)
Negotiating with Terrorists		185	(3)
My Former Bed		188	(4)
Morning Has Been Broken		192	(5)
Naps Are Payday Loans		197	(3)
Get Married, Have Kids, Get Fat		200	(4)
Hand-in-Mouth Disease		204	(4)
We Need Bread		208	(4)
You Win, McDonald's		212	(3)
How Sweet It Is		215	(7)
`Tis the Season		222	(4)
My Other Family		226	(3)
Are You Done Yet?		229	(8)
Six Kids, Catholic		237	(5)
The Great White Baby		242	(2)
The Mousetrap		244	(4)
Picture This		248	(3)
Snow Job		251	(7)
On the Road Again		258	(8)
Eskimo Pies		266	(4)
You're Going to Miss This		270	(3)
Additional Acknowledgments		273