LEFT TO TELL
Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust
By Immaculée Ilibagiza Steve Erwin
HAY HOUSE, INC.
Copyright © 2006
Immaculée Ilibagiza
All right reserved.
ISBN: 1-4019-0896-9
Contents
Foreword by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer...........................ix
Preface
Introduction: My Name Is Immaculée
PART I: THE GATHERING STORM
Chapter 1: The Eternal Spring...........................3
Chapter 2: Standing Up
Chapter 3: Higher Learning
Chapter 4: Off to University
Chapter 5: Returning Home
Chapter 6: No Going Back
Chapter 7: The Pastor's House
Chapter 8: Farewell to the Boys
PART II: IN HIDING
Chapter 9: Into the Bathroom
Chapter 10: Confronting My Anger
Chapter 11: Struggling to Forgive
Chapter 12: No Friends to Turn To
Chapter 13: A Gathering of Orphans
Chapter 14: The Gift of Tongues
Chapter 15: Unlikely Saviors
Chapter 16: Keeping the Faith
PART III: A NEW PATH
Chapter 17: The Pain of Freedom
Chapter 18: A Letter from Damascene
Chapter 19: Camp Comfort
Chapter 20: The Road to the Rebels
Chapter 21: On to Kigali
Chapter 22: The Lord's Work
Chapter 23: Burying the Dead
Chapter 24: Forgiving the Living
Epilogue: New Love, New Life
Acknowledgments
About the Authors
Chapter One
The Eternal Spring
I was born in paradise.
At least, that's how I felt about my homeland while I was growing up.
Rwanda is a tiny country set like a jewel in central Africa. She is so breathtakingly beautiful
that it's impossible not to see the hand of God in her lush, rolling hills; mist-shrouded mountains;
green valleys; and sparkling lakes. The gentle breezes drifting down from the hills and through
the pine and cedar forests are scented with the sweet aroma of lilies and chrysanthemums. And
the weather is so pleasant year-round that the German settlers who arrived in the late 1800s
christened her "the land of eternal spring."
The forces of evil that would give birth to a holocaust that set my beloved country awash in a
sea of blood were hidden from me as a child. As a young girl, all I knew of the world was the
lovely landscape surrounding me, the kindness of my neighbors, and the deep love of my parents
and brothers. In our home, racism and prejudice were completely unknown. I wasn't aware that
people belonged to different tribes or races, and I didn't even hear the terms
Tutsi or
Hutu until I
was in school.
In my village, young children walked eight miles to and from school along lonely stretches of
road, but parents never worried about a child being abducted or harmed in any way. My biggest
fear as a youngster was being alone in the dark-other than that, I was an extremely happy little
girl in a happy family, living in what I thought was a happy village where people respected and
cared for one another.
I was born in the western Rwandan province of Kibuye, in the village of Mataba. Our house
was perched on a hilltop overlooking Lake Kivu, which seemed to stretch out forever below us.
On clear mornings I could see the mountains on the other side of the lake in the neighboring
country of Zaire, now called the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Some of my warmest
childhood memories are of clambering down the perilously steep hill between our house and the
lake. I'd go swimming with my dad and brothers as the last of the dawn mist was being chased
away by the early-morning sun. The water was warm, the air cool against our skin, and the view
of our house high above the shore always thrilling. Heading back home was an adventure
because the hill was so steep and the dirt beneath our feet was so loose and treacherous. I often
slipped and was afraid that I'd tumble all the way down and into the lake. My father always knew
when I was frightened, and he'd bundle me in his arms all the way home. He was a big, strong
man, and I felt safe and loved wrapped in those powerful arms. It thrilled me to be lifted up so
affectionately, especially since Dad was very reserved in an old-fashioned way and rarely showed
his emotions or said he loved my brothers and me-although we knew he did.
When we got home from our swim, my beautiful mother would be busy in the kitchen
preparing the hot rice-and-bean dish she fed us every day before packing us off to school. Her
energy never failed to astonish me: Mom was always the first to rise and last to bed, getting up
hours before anyone else to make sure that the house was in order, our clothes were laid out, our
books and lessons were ready, and my father's work papers were organized. She made all our
clothing herself, cut our hair, and brightened the house with handmade decorations.
The beans she prepared for our breakfast were grown in our family fields, which Mom tended
every morning while the rest of us were still sleeping. She checked the crops and would then
distribute tools to the day laborers and make sure that our cows and other animals were fed and
watered. And then, after finishing the morning chores and getting us off to class, Mom would
walk down the road to start her full-time teaching job at the local primary school.
Both of my parents were teachers, and adamant believers that the only defense against
poverty and hunger was a good education. Despite being one of the smallest countries in Africa,
Rwanda-which is roughly the size of the American state of Maryland-is one of the most
densely populated countries on the continent and among the poorest in the world. Mom and Dad
were the first high school graduates in their families, and they were determined that their children
would go even further than they had in school. Dad led by example, working hard and studying
throughout his life. He received many honors and promotions during his career, rising steadily
through the ranks from primary teacher to junior high school principal. He was eventually
appointed chief administrator for all of the Catholic schools in our district.
In Rwanda, every family member has a different last name. Parents give each child a unique
surname at birth, one that reflects the feelings of the mother or father at the moment they first lay
eyes on their new baby. In Kinyarwanda, the native language of Rwanda, my name (Ilibagiza)
means "shining and beautiful in body and soul." My dad chose my name, which will always
remind me how much he loved me from the moment I was born.
My father's name was Leonard Ukulikiyinkindi, and my mother's was Marie Rose Kankindi,
but her friends called her Rose. They met at one of my cousin's homes in the summer of 1963
while traveling to a mutual friend's wedding. As they were introduced, Mom gave Dad the once-over,
clucking her tongue at his shaggy hair.
"You're going to a wedding with that hair?"
My father shrugged, claiming that he couldn't find a barber. Mom found a pair of scissors, sat
him down, and went to work-right then and there. She must have done a good job, because they
became inseparable. They married within the year, and Dad never let anyone but Mom cut his
hair again.
My parents managed to save a little money by holding down teaching jobs and farming the
land my grandfather had given them (they grew and sold beans, bananas, and coffee). Dad
designed and built our house, which, while extremely modest by Western standards, was
considered quite luxurious in our village. We had a kitchen, a dining area, a living room, our own
bedrooms, a guest room, and Dad even had a study. A gated courtyard led to a small annex where
day workers stayed, and-thankfully-we had a separate pen for the animals, so the cows didn't
sleep in the house with us. Dad put a cistern on the roof to catch rainfall so that we wouldn't have
to haul water up from Lake Kivu, and the solar panels he installed provided us with about an hour
of electricity on sunny days.
We had two vehicles, which was practically unheard of in our part of Rwanda. We had a
yellow cross-country motorcycle that Dad used to visit schools in the remote mountain villages,
and we also had a little car that we used on weekends to go to church and visit relatives. Some
villagers thought that we were wealthy, which we weren't, and they called my Dad
Muzungu,
meaning "white man" or "rich person," which to most Rwandans meant the same thing.
No one else in our village had a motorcycle, and Mom always worried that Dad would be
waylaid by bandits on a lonely mountain pass. Fretting about her family was a preoccupation with
my mother, to the point that whenever any of us was away from home for more than a night,
she'd listen to the obituaries announced on the radio every evening.
"Mom, think of all the good things that could happen to us instead of dwelling on what might
go wrong," I urged her unsuccessfully.
"Oh, Immaculée, I couldn't bear it if someone knocked on the door with bad news about one
of my children or your father. I just pray that I die before any of you do." She prayed incessantly
for our health, safety, and well-being.
My parents were devout Roman Catholics and passed on their beliefs to us. Mass was
mandatory on Sundays, as were evening prayers with the family at home. I loved praying, going
to church, and everything else to do with God. I especially loved the Virgin Mary, believing that
she was my second mom, watching out for me from heaven. I didn't know why, but praying made
me feel warm and happy. In fact, it made me so happy that when I was ten years old, I snuck
away from school one day with my friend Jeanette to pay a visit to Father Clement, a wise,
elderly priest who was a good friend of the family and like a grandpa to me.
Jeanette and I hiked through seven miles of fields and forests and waded across a river to
reach Father Clement. He greeted us warmly, but was concerned because we arrived at his
presbytery exhausted, panting, soaking wet, and more than a little dirty. He looked like a saint,
standing over us in his flowing white robe, his arms opened in welcome, a beautiful rosary
hanging from his neck. "What is it, girls? How can I help you?" he asked.
"Father, we want to dedicate our lives to God," Jeanette said solemnly.
"That's right, Father," I agreed. "We have thought it over, and we want to become nuns."
"Nuns? I see," he said, nodding seriously, although I'm sure he must have been hiding a big
grin. He placed his hands on our heads and gave us a special blessing: "God, bless these dear
children, keep them safe, and watch over them all their days." Then he looked at us and said,
"Now, you two go home. Come back to see me after your 18th birthdays, and if you still want to
be nuns then, we'll talk."
WHILE MY PARENTS WERE ARDENT CATHOLICS, they were Christians in the broadest sense of the
word. They believed in the Golden Rule and taught us to treat our neighbors with kindness and
respect. They felt strongly connected to their village and dedicated themselves to creating a
prosperous, harmonious community. Dad spent many weekends doing volunteer work, such as
building a nondenominational chapel and paying for most of the construction costs out of his
own pocket. He also set up a scholarship fund for poorer kids by establishing one of Rwanda's
few coffee cooperatives, allowing a dozen coffee growers to plant on his land rent free if they
promised to donate a little of their profits to the fund. The program was so successful that he was
able to use some of the money to build a community center, a soccer field for teens, and a new
roof for the school.
Mom was also known for her many good works. She could never turn away anyone in need,
so we often had another family living with us because they'd fallen on hard times and needed a
place to stay until they got back on their feet.
After finishing work, my mother often volunteered her time to tutor students, and she was
forever buying material to sew new uniforms for local schoolgirls. And once I overheard her
talking to a neighbor who was distraught because she couldn't afford to buy her daughter a
wedding dress.
"Rose, what kind of mother am I to send my own daughter to her new life in old clothes?" the
woman asked. "If only we had a goat to sell, I could dress her in the way she should be dressed
on her wedding day."
My mother told her not to worry-if she had faith in God, He would provide. The next day I
saw Mom counting out the money she'd saved from her monthly teacher's salary. Then she
walked to the village, coming home with her arms full of brightly colored fabrics. She sat up all
night sewing dresses for the woman's daughter and all the bridesmaids.
Mom and Dad treated the village as our extended family, and the villagers often treated them
like surrogate parents. For example, Dad had a reputation across the region as an educated,
enlightened, and fair-minded man. Consequently, people traveled for miles seeking his counsel
on family problems, money woes, and business ventures. He was often called upon to settle local
squabbles and discipline unruly children.
A crisis in the village was usually followed by a knock on our door and this plea: "Leonard!
Can you help us out? We need your advice. What should we do, Leonard?"
Dad invited people into the house at all hours and would discuss their problems until they
found a solution. He was a good diplomat and always made people feel as if they'd resolved their
own difficulties.
My mother was also sought out for her advice, especially by women having difficulties with
their husbands. Over the years, so many of our neighbors had once been Mother's students that
most villagers just called her Teacher.
But while they were certainly dedicated to our village, my parents were devoted to their kids,
spending as much time with us as possible.
Once in a while, when he worked late and went for beers with his friends afterward, Dad got
home well after we'd already gone to bed. "Where are my little ones? Where are my darling
children?" he'd ask, a little tipsy but full of affection.
Mother would scold him: "They're sleeping, Leonard, as they should be. If you want to see
them, you should come home earlier."
"Well, I can't eat dinner alone," he'd say, and gently get us all out of bed. We'd sit around
the table in our pajamas while he ate dinner and told us about his day. We loved every minute of
it.
After he finished eating, Dad would make us all kneel down in the living room and recite our
evening prayers.
"They've already said their prayers, Leonard. They have school tomorrow!"
"Well, Rose, I have to work tomorrow. And you can never say too many prayers. Right,
Immaculée?"
"Yes, Daddy," I'd answer shyly. I idolized my dad and was delighted that he'd ask me such
an important question.
Those were magical moments-when my father's stern facade was lifted, his love for us was
easy to see.
THERE WERE FOUR KIDS IN THE FAMILY: myself and my three brothers. The eldest was Aimable
Ntukanyagwe, who was born in 1965, a year after my parents were married. Even as a child,
Aimable was the most serious member of the family. He was so quiet and introspective that we
joked he was the family priest. Mom doted on him because he was her firstborn and her favorite,
but Aimable was humble, shy, and embarrassed by the extra attention she paid him. He was also
sweet-natured and detested violence. When the other boys roughhoused or fought with each
other, he would step between them and make the peace.
When Dad was away, Aimable took his place, making sure that we finished our homework,
said our evening prayers, and got to bed on time. Then he would stay up late, ensuring that the
doors were locked and the house was secure for the night. He seemed so much older than his
years, but he was a loving brother to me, never failing to ask about my day, how my studies were
going, and if my friends were treating me well. There was a five-year age difference between
Aimable and me, which, as kids, made it difficult to get to know each other.
I was only seven when my brother went off to boarding school, and after that, we saw each
other only on holidays and special get-togethers. Nevertheless, I developed a terrible
stomachache the day he left. Although his school was in a nearby town, as far as I was concerned,
my brother was moving to the moon. It was the first time I felt the physical pain of losing
someone you love. When my father sat us kids down a few days later to write letters to Aimable,
I could think of only two things to say. In large, looping letters, I wrote:
Dear Aimable,
I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss
you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss
you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss
you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss
you, I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss
you, I love you, I love you, I love you ... and I
miss you!!!!!
Love,
Immaculée
P.S. I miss you!
My father laughed when he read the letter. "You didn't mention anything about visiting
Grandma's house, or how your other brothers are doing, Immaculée. Try writing again with a
little more news and a few less 'I love yous' and 'I miss yous.'"
"But that's how I feel, Daddy."
I couldn't understand why he wanted me to love my brother less-and Dad never tired of
teasing me about that letter.
Two years after Aimable was born, my other big brother came into the world. His name was
Damascene Jean Muhirwa, and he was brilliant, mischievous, funny, generous, unbelievably
kind, and irresistibly likable. He made me laugh every day, and he always knew how to stop my
tears. Damascene ... to this day I can't say his name without smiling ... or crying. He was three
years my senior, but I felt as though he were my twin. He was my closest friend; he was my soul
mate.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from LEFT TO TELL
by Immaculée Ilibagiza Steve Erwin
Copyright © 2006 by Immaculée Ilibagiza.
Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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