CHAPTER 1

What Is "The TrueSelf"?

In this high placeit is as simple as this,Leave everything you know behind.

Step toward the cold surface,say the old prayer of rough loveand open both arms.

Those who come with empty handswill stare into the lake astonished,there, in the cold lightreflecting pure snow,

the true shape of your own face.

DAVID WHYTE, "TILICHO LAKE"

Conservatives look for absolute truth; liberalslook for something "real" and authentic.Spouses look for a marriage that will last "'til death dous part." Believers look for a God who never fails them;scientists look for a universal theory. They are all onthe same quest. We are all looking for an immortal diamond:something utterly reliable, something loyal andtrue, something we can always depend on, somethingunforgettable and shining. There is an invitation andan offer for all of these groups from John's very shortSecond Letter, when he writes: "There is a truth thatlives within us that will be with us forever" (2 John2). But most of us know little about this, so we endup as St. Augustine admits in his Confessions: "Latehave I loved you, Beauty so very ancient and so evernew. Late have I loved you! You were within, but I waswithout."

We give up eventually—or do not even try—toseek this truth and instead retreat into ourselves, asif to say, "I alone will be my reference point." Itis the most common problem of individualism andegocentricity. I think they go together. We split andretreat into ourselves, but we invariably go to ourego (small self, the False Self) because that is all weknow about. It is the common default position, evenif it is largely unconscious. Yet it often takes over,and, depending on the severity of our "splitness," itmakes all common forms of life, including marriage,lasting friendships, and most commitments, largelyimpossible. But this retreat into the personal ego selfis both absolutely right and terribly wrong at the sametime. In this book I hope to demonstrate what makesboth of these assertions true.

We are right about going inside; otherwise webecome lost in an outer and revolving hall of mirrors,as Augustine confesses above. But the question is,"Which inside?" I am using the language of the TrueSelf and the False Self, which many have found quitehelpful in talking about these very points. It is goodand necessary to pull back into your True Self, but it isquite a disaster if you pull back into what is your FalseSelf for too long (or, worse, never leave it). Both TrueSelf and False Self will feel like your "self," so you seethe confusion. One might be called true "centering,"and the other is the more common "ego centering,"which shows itself to be the core of the problem.

So Jesus, and most other great spiritual teachers,make it very clear that there is a self that has tobe found and one that has to be let go of or even"renounced" (Mark 8:35; Matthew 10:39, 16:25; Luke9:24; John 12:26). Buddhism allows no compromiseor softening of this essential message, which is whymany are attracted to its utter honesty.

That there are two selves is rather constant in thePerennial Tradition, although the language might bevery different from group to group. The importantissue is how we tell the difference. Those who denya sacred source to the universe ("God") have noway of naming something "true" and must resortto psychology, philosophy, and cultural norms aloneto find something authoritative. And they are verygood—as far as they go. Those of us who claim tobelieve in God more often than not deny that "we arealready his children" (1 John 3:1) and create arbitraryhoops to jump through—at which few fully succeed ifthey are honest. So my moral self, which is always influx, becomes the measure, and we have again lost anyAbsolute Measure. It seems the False Self would ratherhave very few "wins" than let God win with everybody.This is my sad conclusion after a lifetime of working inmany churches on many continents, and it is summedup in an often murdered text by most preachers andtranslators: "I am calling all of you, but so few of youallow yourselves to be chosen" (Matthew 22:14).

We are going to talk about the two selves in manyways. Like Socrates's peripatetic method, we will justkeep "walking around" it in this book. The searchfor soul has gained a bit of clarity in our time byfinding words that make sense to the modern, morepsychological mind. We might now call the False Selfour small self or ego, and we might call the True Selfour soul. When the True Self becomes clearer to you,and it will for most of you, you will have grounded yourspirituality in its first and fundamental task, and youwill have hired the best counseling service possible.I love to tell people, "You have just saved yourselften thousand dollars in unnecessary therapy!" Why?Because in finding your True Self, you will have foundan absolute reference point that is both utterly withinyou and utterly beyond you at the very same time. Thisgrounds the soul in big and reliable truth. "My deepestme is God!" St. Catherine of Genoa shouted as sheran through the streets of town, just as Colossians hadalready shouted to both Jews and pagans, "The mysteryis Christ within you—your hope of Glory!" (1:27).

The healthy inner authority of the True Self cannow be balanced by a more objective outer authorityof Scripture and mature Tradition. Your experienceis not just your experience, in other words. That'swhat tells you that you are not crazy. That God isboth utterly beyond me and yet totally within meat the same time is the exquisite balance that mostreligion seldom achieves, in my opinion. Now thelaw is written on both tablets of stone (Exodus 31:18)and within your heart (Deuteronomy 29:12–14), andthe old covenant has rightly morphed into the new(Jeremiah 31:31–34), just as it was already understoodand lived by holy Jews. Jesus fully represents thisideal Jewish balance. Remember, Jesus was not a"Christian"!

People who find this wholeness are balanced ingeneral and tend to flourish, as opposed to either mereconformists or mere rebels who just take sides oneverything—with no wisdom required. Think of poorGalileo Galilei who, under pressure from the churchto deny that the earth moves around the sun, saysquietly before he dies, "And yet it moves!" He wiselyknew how to survive in a totalitarian system, and yetnow he survives and thrives as the Father of ModernScience and the modern popes have exonerated him.You are both the Body of Christ and only a part ofthe Body of Christ at the same time. You are boththe center of the world and on the edge of that sameworld, or as St. Bonaventure put it, "the center is noweverywhere and the circumference is nowhere."

Your personal experience of chosenness is preciselywhat allows you to pass on that same experienceto others, say both Isaiah and Paul (Isaiah 2:1–5,56:1–7; Romans 11:16ff.). Outer spiritual believingtends to say, "Only here" or "only there," whileauthentic inner knowing tends to say, "Always andeverywhere." We start elitist and we end egalitarian.And Ken Wilber rightly adds "Always!" What wereceive freely, we give away freely (Matthew 10:8).Outer authority told us we were indeed special (that'sthe only way to get started), but maturing innerauthority allows us to see that everyone is special andunique, although it usually takes the maturity of thesecond half of life to see this. Young zealots still thinkit's all about them.

I promise you that the discovery of your TrueSelf will feel like a thousand pounds of weight havefallen from your back. You will no longer have tobuild, protect, or promote any idealized self image.Living in the True Self is quite simply a much happierexistence, even though we never live there a fulltwenty-four hours a day. But you henceforth haveit as a place to always go back to. You have finallydiscovered the alternative to your False Self. Youare like Jacob awakening from sleep and joining thechorus of mystics in every age. "You were here allalong, and I never knew it!" he says (Genesis 28:16).He anoints the stone pillow where this happened andnames it Bethel, or "the house of God and gate ofheaven" (28:17–18). Jacob then carries the presencewith him wherever he goes. What was first only thereis soon everywhere. The gate of heaven is first of allin one concrete place, better if carried with you, andbest when found everywhere. That is the progressionof the spiritual life.

CLUES AND EVIDENCE

Who of us has not asked, "Who am I?" "Who am Ireally?" "What am I all about?" "Is there any essential'me' here?" It is as if we are all a big secret to ourselvesand must search for clues, however obscure they maybe. Yet the search never stops fascinating us, even aswe grow older. (If it does, we have almost certainlystopped growing.) Any lecture or class on understandingyourself always draws great interest, even fromotherwise jaded or superficial people. One sees thisfascination in little children as their eyes widen if youtell them about the day they were born, or what theywere like "as a kid," or what they might "be" whenthey grow up. Try it, and notice how children quietand listen with intense interest at almost anythingabout themselves. They gaze at you with wonder andexcitement and invariably want to hear more. Thesemessages must feel like oracles from another worldto them and doorways into still-hidden secrets.

This curiosity about ourselves grows more intensein the teen and young adult years as we try on adozen costumes and roles, and we surely covet anyrecognition or praise of our most recent incarnation.We quickly grab it and try it on for size, as if to say,"This might be me!" Some never take their costumeoff. A too early or too successful self becomes a totallife agenda, occasionally for good but more often forill. Think of the many young athletes, musicians, andpoets who become obsessed with their identity butnever make it to the big time. Even if they do succeed,there are too many stories of unhappiness, being lost,and self-destruction. Our ongoing curiosity about ourTrue Self seems to lessen if we settle into any "successful"role. We have then allowed others to define usfrom the outside, although we do not realize it. Or perhapswe dress ourselves up on the outside and neverget back inside. When I explore the True Self in thisbook, I am talking about a second dressing up, whichwill actually feel much more like a dressing down.

This confusion about our True Self and False Selfis much of the illusion of the first half of life, althoughmost of us do not experience the problem then.Only later in life can we perhaps join with ThomasMerton, who penned one of my favorite lines, "If Ihad a message to my contemporaries it is surely this: Beanything you like, be madmen, drunks, and bastardsof every shape and form, but at all costs avoid onething: success.... If you are too obsessed with success,you will forget to live. If you have learned only howto be a success, your life has probably been wasted."Success is hardly ever your True Self, only your earlywindow dressing. It gives you some momentum forthe journey, but it is never the real goal. You do notknow that, however. In the moment, it just feels rightand good and necessary—and it is. For a short while.

I remember hearing a story, reportedly true, abouta young couple putting their newborn in the nurseryfor the night. Their four-year-old son said to them, "Iwant to talk to the baby!" They said, "Yes, you cantalk to him from now on." But he pressed further,saying, "I want to talk to him now and by myself."Surprised and curious, they let the young boy into thenursery and cupped their ears to the door, wonderingwhat he might be saying. This is what they reportedlyheard their boy say to his baby brother: "Quick, tell mewhere you came from. Quick, tell me who made you?I am beginning to forget!" Could that be true? Havemost of us forgotten? Is this what Jesus was referringto when he would often teach that we have to becomelike little children to "get it"?

Most spirituality has said, in one way or another,that we have all indeed begun to forget, if not fullyforgotten, who we are. Universal amnesia seems tobe the problem. Religion's job is purely and simplyone thing: to tell us, and keep reminding us of whowe objectively are. Thus, Catholics keep eating "theBody of Christ" until they know that they are whatthey eat—a human body that is still the eternal Christ.What else would the message be? Avoiding this objectiveand wonderful message, many clergy have madethe Eucharist into a reward for good behavior andmissed the core Gospel for the sake of a small contestwhere they just happen to give out the merit badges.Religion's job is to keep "re-minding" us of what weonly know "in part" (1 Corinthians 13:12). This bookhopes to remind you of what you know and who youare at your core—and in a way that you can't forget.Then whatever you say or do will come from a good,deep, and spacious place. The True Self always hassomething good to say. The False Self babbles on,largely about itself.

Is it possible that we do know our True Self at somelevel? Could we all know from the beginning? Doessome part of us know—with a kind of certitude—whowe really are? Is the truth hidden within us? Couldhuman life's central task be a matter of consciouslydiscovering and becoming who we already are andwhat we somehow unconsciously know? I believe so.Life is not a matter of creating a special name forourselves, but of uncovering the name we have alwayshad. Most Native cultures look for inherent symbolsat a child's birth—and that became the child's sacredname. Maybe this is what lovers are doing for oneanother with their sweet nicknames.

Our True Self is surely the "treasure hidden in thefield" that Jesus speaks of. It is your own chunk of theimmortal diamond. He says that we should "happilybe willing to sell everything to buy that field" (Matthew13:44)—or that diamond mine! Could any one thingbe that valuable that we would sell everything for it? Inall the Gospels, Jesus is quoted as saying, "What willit profit you if you gain the whole world and lose yourown soul?" (Matthew 16:26), and the context invariablyimplies he is talking about something happeningin this world. If you find the treasure hidden in yourown field, then everything else comes along with it. Itis indeed the "pearl of great price" (Matthew 13:46) tocontinue our precious gem metaphor.

The early Christian writers tell us that this discoveryof our True Self is also at the same time adiscovery of God. I have far too often seen the immatureand destructive results of people who claim tohave found God and do not have even a minimumof self-knowledge. They try to "have" God and holdonto their false and concocted little self too. It doesnot work (1 John 4:20). I have also met many whoappear to know themselves and do at some good levels,but not at the largest and divine level; they have tokeep scrambling for private and public significance bythemselves and in their mental ego. They still live in aseparate and very fragile self.

Some who use the language of integral theoryor "spiral dynamics" call it the "mean green" level:these are people who are just smart enough to dismisseverybody below them as stupid and everybody abovethem as falsely spiritual. A little bit of enlightenmentis a very dangerous thing. I have seen it in myself, inmany clergy, and especially in the arrogance of manyacademics, early feminists, and loners who can nevertrustfully belong to any group and seem to believe theyhave the only correct ideas. Their "smartness" makesthem also mean or arrogant, and we intuitively knowthis should not be true.

The two encounters with a True God and a TrueSelf are largely experienced simultaneously and grow inparallel fashion. If I can do nothing more in this bookthan demonstrate why and how this is the case, I willhave achieved the best purpose here.